Monday, December 10, 2018

Sweet Ventura Highway

Were you there?
That spring, with me
warm and close
in the morning's dewey light?

Do you remember?
We held each other's hands,
paints; the yellows and the greens
calling to your hummingbird

Maybe I wished for you
like wishes for a feather
a wish to soothe the loneliness 
to heal a hurting heart 

But yes, it's just like me 
I can't seem to remember 
shouldn't be so easy to forget
but I swear, I held your hand, 
I felt your love

Could it have been you?
on that hot summer night
when we held each other's hands
and shared each other's dreams?

When the cicadas and the fireflies
were music in our ears
when we were all alone
when we lit the night with electric blue

And wasn't that your golden summer skin?
and your crazy, summer-scented hair?

Maybe I wished for you
like wishes for a feather
a wish to soothe the loneliness 
to heal a hurting heart 

But yes, it's just like me 
I can't seem to remember 
shouldn't be so easy to forget
but I swear, I held your hand, 
I felt your love

Maybe you were never laughing
never picking autumn apples
never breathing in my ear
never singing, never laughing at my jokes
never dancing in the corn



Maybe I didn't see you
in your gypsy dress
at our lakeside summer market
awash among the sunflowers
in your precious September sun

And maybe you never drove with me
hair swirling in the summer breeze
on that sweet Ventura Highway
holding hands
and stealing kisses at the lights

Or perhaps we rode my Vespa
in a Red Arrow dream
on a Red Arrow road,
on a trip to find love's longing

If only life's conscious soul connections
of dreams rare and real and true
of sweetness searched for over lifetimes
wouldn't disappear in dawn's pink light

But of this I know
my misty bohemian dream
that wishes and hopes can be entangled
in the quantum links of soul

And so before the dawn can steal them
I hold on to these moments
to our springs and to our summers
to the sunflowers and to your summer dresses

And mostly, to the Bohemian of my dreams 
to the simplicity of love
to you 

And I always watch
for your hummingbird

For RR

Thursday, November 1, 2018

An October of Dreams

Another autumn. Beavercreek, Ohio.

It's sleepy here, in this Midwest hamlet. A fact which may account for the ease into which one can slip into dreaming.


These somnambulist Beavercreekians have Indian Summers that stretch into Thanksgiving. They live in a place where days are passed among colored landscapes with hypnotizing beauty ... and the nights are slept effortlessly in the cool comfort of a fall chill.

Of dreams and imaginings, this is a kind of Neverland. A place where Orville and Wilbur shared a universe with Peter Pan and Tinker Bell. Perhaps that resonance never leaves this place. This Neverland.

On an afternoon just a few days ago, I was looking out my office window. October had neared its very end, and I wasn't surprised upon seeing the pale blue skies depart. Now, gray and purple billows could be seen pushing and rolling above the trees. With it, a wet wind was determined to strip every defiant Indian Summer leaf from every tree.

That wasn't easy here in Neverland. Some few trees were overcome and turned into branchy scarecrows, but most held on.

In its wake were low mists, hugging the ground, just as the clouds seemed to hover over the tops of the trees. Foggy and spooky, it couldn't have been painted any better.

As I watched the leaves tumble through the mist, a car emerged, seemingly from nowhere, slowing as it neared our house. It appeared to be a black Chrysler LeBaron.

And the top was down.

The old car slowed and idled patiently at the curb, as if waiting, uncertain of the address. Its driver, and lone occupant, was wearing a corduroy beret. His arm rested on the door atop the open window. The arm lifted, tweed jacket patched at the elbow, and a leather-gloved hand held up a scrap of paper, no doubt confirming an address.

Chill gusts of wind blew smoke from the man's pipe, which floated in swirls as the convertible turned and crept up the driveway. Its strange license plates read "Calumt Av." It stopped, and its cream-colored canvas roof began lifting in jerky, clunky movements.

It seemed normal to me. As if it was the most natural thing that dad would make his way here. Eventually.

I rushed out the door, shivering and meeting him at the LeBaron.

"Dad?" He nodded and pulled his beret tighter.

"Come in, it's freezing out here," I said, clutching his elbow. He looked youthful, no older than fifty, and his face was rosy and chapped, as if he'd been driving through the skies.

"No, no, I'm actually headed to Cincinnati. That's where they used to make Rookwood, you know. It's just an old warehouse now, but we wanted to explore it. James is already there. I can't stay long. But I wanted to see my great grandson, the boy, Rice."

"It's Rhys, dad. But none of us could get it right at first. Are you sure you won't stay?"

He shook his head, pointing a gloved hand down the driveway. It seemed normal, as if he was expected. Hmm, these dreams.

The LeBaron followed me, our two black cars drifting through strewn piles of leaves and under the low hanging grey clouds. We passed haystacks and pumpkin farms and nearly endless fields of dry Ohio cornstalks.

We turned past the church and pulled into the gravel driveway.

"What a beautiful house," my father said, stepping up and out of his convertible, rubbing his gloved hands together. "Just look at that porch," he pointed, up at the house. As always, admiring the craft of the builder.

"Yes, but it's not a mansion," I offered.

He started ahead of me toward the door, down the gravel drive. He approached the stairs, planted his brown leather shoe on the first step, and his image flickered. It was if the scene had skipped, just for a moment.

His next step was with a well-worn wing-tip shoe. Gone were the tweed jacket and the wool pants. The beret was also missing. This younger man had a flat-top buzz cut. His cheeks were taunt and rosy, with a slight blonde stubble. He wore a short sleeve white shirt, with several pens in the front pocket. He also wore a green patterned tie, clipped to the front of his shirt.

It was my father. But the younger, untroubled, and freely unfettered version. Under his arm, he carried several white squares of mat-board, which had appeared as if from nowhere.

"Katie, Katie!" He shouted, as he skipped up the last step, not waiting for me to follow.

"It's grandpa. Grandpa Jack."

I saw Katie in the window, with the baby over her shoulder. She peered through the curtains. She seemed not to recognize this man, the one with the crewcut, the low sideburns, and the rosy smile.

"It's me, Katie!" he said, beaming. The door was quickly opened and she looked upon the two of us. She looked at me first, her eyes searching mine. I nodded.

I looked older than him. And he, well he looked like Matthew, but with short hair and a slight shimmer.

She knew. Her head was soon upon his shoulder. "Grandpa, I've missed you so much." Her tears were happy. And sad.

Nothing else needed saying.

Katie didn't hesitate. "Look, grandpa, it's Rhys." She cradled him, turning his way, her eyes wet. "Rhys, this is your great grandpa Jack."

My father looked too young to be a great grandfather. But he smiled, put his supplies on the table, and lifted the 2-month old baby, looking into his blue eyes.

"Katie, he's so beautiful. Just like you." And then, "He's such a gift. Do you think he'd like a story?" he asked, nodding at the supplies on the table.

We all sat in the kitchen, in stools around the counter, while Katie propped up Rhys so he could listen. And watch. Soon, my father had his felt tip marker out - and he began the story.

Rhys was transfixed by the movement of the marker across the white boards - and by the magic of my father's voice - as he spoke of the Witch Sisters and drew their world. One board beheld the broom room. Another showed them flying across the dark October sky, with warty noses and long, flapping capes.

This continued for many minutes, longer than I would have thought the baby would stay interested. But all of us, including Rhys, felt entranced.

Dad stopped sketching when the baby opened his tiny hands, reached toward him, and made a squeak.

"Look at those fingers, they were meant for a piano or a paintbrush. Or maybe this," he smiled, holding the marker out to Rhys, who clutched it with his long pink fingers.

Rhys cooed. He smiled at his great grandfather. Then closed his eyes.

"He's off to another dream, perhaps," dad whispered. He began collecting his mats, lost in some thought.  

"Hey dad?" I asked, as he made to leave. "What's it like, I mean, in heaven?"

He smiled and scratched his sideburn. Katie picked up Rhys and again lay her head on Jack's shoulder.

Dad pointed at the table, at the mats, and at Katie and the baby. "It's beautiful, John. In fact, it's a lot like this."

And with that, he kissed Katie on the forehead. Rubbed the sleeping baby's blonde hair, and left through the kitchen door.

We watched as dad, now back in his tweed coat and beret, climbed back into the LeBaron.

The car reversed. Time reversed. Back into the mist.

Back into Neverland.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Listen to the music, vous serez enchanté

I had just said, "Eres Tu" to her, as the words popped into my mind.

"What?" She squinted.

"It means 'it is you.'" (Or, 'you are,' if used literally)

"Oh."

"It's supposed to be kinda romantic. Like, in the way I said it," I explained.

"Oh, that's nice."

Okay, I wasn't explaining it well. I wanted to say that there was a kind of poetic beauty in the way the words themselves were spoken, regardless of what they meant.

So I tried again. "It's more than that. It's the sound of the words themselves. It's... I don't know. It's like in that song."



"The song?" Shaking her head, her wavy hair flew about the car, from the open window, as if her medusa of curls were as confused as she was.

Oh, that's right. It was written when she was 4 years old, by the Spanish singer-songwriter Juan Carlos Calderon. I couldn't blame her.

The song was "Eres Tu," by Mocedades, in 1974. The lead was sung by Amaya Uranga. It was a musical era when now-immortal musical legends dominated US charts.

It was a Spanish-language song. No translations. No English. And how it found its way to #9 on 1974's Top 100 is telling. It needed no translation.


Apple Music found me another Amaya song. It was 'Tomame o Dejame'. Unlike 'Eres Tu,' it wasn't pop. With no translation (especially without it), it was emotionally and melodically stirring. Amaya Tomame o Dejame

Today, Spanish-language artists still perform covers of the timeless "Tomame of Dejame." Artists like Thalia. Thalia Cover.

And now, to the other point. I think I was unwittingly entranced by this stuff as a child; hypnotized in an old Victorian living room.

It was my father. I remember it now.

"John!" Dad's eyes would open wide, and he'd point to the stereo, the needle dancing across the vinyl, the sounds of violins and cellos and pianos filling the high-ceilinged living room, reaching a certain crescendo he'd been expecting. "Right here, right here!"

He'd point again, close his eyes, and sing the lyrics, along with an opera singer, like Maria Callas, as she finished the final stanza of Vincenzo Bellini's Norma, "Ah, reidi a mi..."

My father would be passionately singing, word for word, with the opera diva. But in Italian.

Then, he'd open his eyes and look for my reaction - or agreement - to the beauty of Bellini's masterpiece.

Well, I didn't speak Italian. And I'm absolutely sure he didn't. But he was my father, and he was sharing a kind of mystical musical joy with me, so what could I say?

"Ah, that was beautiful, dad."

While sometimes it was orchestral arrangements, it was mostly - and (at the time) painfully - opera.

I am now reasonably certain that, in the sixties and seventies, I was the only child within at least a few hundred miles who spent time listening, patiently, to hours-long piano concertos and full-length operas in languages I couldn't understand.

My father was hoping I could feel what he did, even if it was not just then. Not when I just wanted to go up to my room.

He had found bliss - in his ability to summon a kind of entangled, intuitive human resonance to harmonics, frequencies, and linguistic consonance - and become mesmerized in its poetry.

Looking back now, I'm sure he wanted to share this joy. Maybe teach it. Help me feel the magic that he did.

Now, I better understand that words carry way more than letters.

That sounds are words, that words are sounds. That music is language, that language is music.

Well, dad, it took me a while. But I'm glad you made me listen with you. Even if it was both sides of every album and even if it was more than one opera in a single night.

Tomame o Dejame. "Take me. Or leave Me."

Ahhh. "Dad, that's it! Right there."




Saturday, August 4, 2018

Sweet summertime



Perfect song on the radio
Sing along 'cause it's one we know
It's a smile, it's a kiss
It's a sip of wine, it's summertime
Sweet summertime

We were in the car then, singing a country song, among the farms, up and down the rolling hills of Ohio. The wind rushing through the wide-open windows. The notes and key muted and perfect.

"Perrfecttt songgg on the radiOOOO..."

The warm and heady July air, scented with grass and wildflowers and pollen. By fields of hay and alfalfa. It carried memories of Sunday mornings, of old metal fans, of small church carnivals, of cabins and pontoon boats and tackle boxes. It was a thing to transcend time and lifetimes.

Of summer days so alive in the moment as to be tinged in loss and regret. In the knowing that its specialness was fleeting, and now almost gone. Like a hopeless crush, like a loss, like a goodbye at the airport. A promise.

She kicked off her sandals and put her feet on the dashboard, adding some authenticity to Kenny's summer ballad - especially since she was in cut-off jeans, her skin golden, her long legs covered by the merest of denim. All we needed was the yoo-hoo. The sips of wine.

An endless repetition of cornstalks blurred past us, marking time; summer afternoon time. Summer burned through its afternoons, it had its own priorities. It was bursting and ripe and not to be ignored. It demanded bare skin and sweat. It begged for Bikinis and flip-flops and belly buttons.

Summer always got what it wanted; its magic powerful. It could make us believe almost anything. In ice cold water, in naps, in freedom. In the carelessness of wasted afternoons. In the belief that rusted tractors were just about the best landscaping, ever. In the mystical beauty of barnwood. In bluegills and sunfish.

In the smell of citronella and fresh dill weed. In popsicles.

When it's hot, eat a root beer popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you

Along the country roads, the cicadas had started their afternoon song, high up in the giant roadside oaks. The goliaths rustled their leaves as we drove past, and the cicada sounds would chase us, slowing receding until we reached the next oak.

Beyond each crested hill, there was another country visage, another summer painting, each splashed with the same green pigments. Another summer Kincaid.

"Remember when I told you about the girl I dated at sixteen?" I asked her, across the seats. I had agreed to be silent of past girlfriends, but this one seemed distant enough.

"Well, my favorite memory from that summer we dated is from a hot afternoon, falling asleep on the floor in front of a box fan," I explained. "It's still such a vivid memory."

Memories of that relationship have all faded, except for that one summer afternoon.

We have a kind of bargain with summer. It's a three-month one-night-stand. Summer is ours to consume - to get drunk, to get sunburned, to sail, to watch baseball, to love, to bare everything. In exchange, we give in to a relationship that we know won't last.

And I think it gets high on our love for it.

With summer, life is ripe, like fresh cantelope. Life is succulent and rich, like scarlet-red tomatoes.

Summer can make love seem easy.

And sometimes, it makes the world seem pretty cool.

Like just then, with her feet on the dashboard. Her hair swirling in the open window, blown about by the fragrant summer wind. The smell of her shampoo and of the Coppertone on her warm skin.

All glorius and wonderfully fractal layers of that summer's moment in time.

One she worries will be gone too soon.

"It's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a sip of wine. It's summertime."      

Sweet summertime.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Sunflowers


I know why the heart gets lonely
Every time you give your love away
And if you think that you are only
Flowers in the wind
Blowin' round the wind
You let somebody in they might fade away


"It's not me being negative," I explained, in my bro psychoanalysis. 

She peers into minds for a living, but I held my ground. 

"Maybe they'll have kids. But what they have now, as beautiful as it is, won't last." 

I can't remember if I was talking about the Duchess of Suffolk and her new husband or a more mundane coupling.

"You don't know that."

She believes in dreams and poetry and sunflower tattoos.

Like I did.

Their is a certain poetry in the summer Sunflower. A cadmium beauty that's almost gaudy; braggingly tall, proud, and dominant. Sharp against the ultramarine skies, they grow especially strong in late summer.

Young, royal, and always stretching toward the sun.

Then, their sinewy yellow-green stalks get snipped at the peak of their beauty. They're collected and placed into tall tapwatered vases.

They hold on, for a while, still sharing their late summer beauty, sometimes into the fall.

Of course, tapwater isn't enough. It never is. It wasn't last summer, or a hundred summers before that.

As they lose the richness of their beauty, the fading of summer comes with a longing. For brilliant skies and bathing suits and warm rain.

Sometimes, as their petals turn papery, they might still be cherised; pampered and prized as the air chills and the days shorten. They might still whisper of farmer's markets and dandelions and afternoon thunderstorms.

And sometimes, as they dry, their seeds hold the promise of another rich summer.

"Draw me a sunflower tattoo," she suggested.

Hmm, that one might last.

Maybe forever.




Monday, April 30, 2018

Dad vs. Joe Rogan


At breakfast on Sunday, my sons and I were at a hippie breakfast joint in Yellow Springs, Ohio.

It's a small Midwest town, with plans to build one of the largest Cannabis grow facilities in the state.

And thus the conversation with my twenty-somethings, of course, led to pot.

One son pointed to its medicinal uses, like treating anxiety and PTSD. I took that well; remembering articles about marijuana's evident ability to ease the symptoms of PTSD among veterans and other patients.

He informed us that Cannabis should be available to anyone, anywhere. That we should all be free to self-prescribe since it was harmless (and evidently multi-purpose). He was adamant that Cannabis could stack up against virtually anything Big Pharma might produce.

'Hmmm,' I thought. He must spend serious time on ResearchGate for that level of subject matter and pharmacological expertise. Or learned it all somewhere else. I think I knew where.

My other son disagreed. "Look, the only way to treat PTSD is through extensive one-on-one psychotherapy. Not drugs. Not if you want to completely cure it."

Here we go.

"And you heard that where?" I asked. Of course, I already knew the answer. Hint: he'd wear a Joe Rogan t-shirt, earbuds in, listening to his podcast constantly if his girlfriend would only allow it.

"Joe Rogan?" I offered.

"Well...yeah," he allowed. "He had a really well-known expert on PTSD on his show, a psychologist who said it's the only way to treat it successfully."

"So, this psychologist... He found that in peer-reviewed research studies... or in his practice?"

"Well, I think he said that's what he learned from his experience with patients. And he specializes in it." He added, "Dad, you can't always fix things with big pharma."

Oh, that again. Fair enough.

I actually like The Joe Rogan Experience. At times, it's incredibly informative. He's smart and disruptive and funny. He's the same guy who hosted the worm-eating reality TV show way back when. Rogan is a favorite UFC expert and color announcer at the big fights. He seems fair and intuitive in a bro-science way. And he's #7 on the top 10 most listened-to podcasts.


Obviously, the Joe Rogan Experience is captivating and informative. Beloved by millennials. But it's entertainment. Which means it's not research.

And at #7, millennials are listening and listening. Podcast demographics show that his audience is predominantly young men. Rogan reports that his 1-4 hour podcasts are downloaded 30 million times each month.

Back to breakfast.

I asked my boys, "So how do we help all the people, all the veterans, the first responders, the people in the community who can't - or won't - enroll in intensive one-on-one therapy? Would medications help them? Which meds? How do we address issues in the real world of PTSD and behavioral health? How do we slow the suicide rate of veterans?'

I asked them, "Have you thought about whether cannabis or therapy really is better? Or some other drug? It's an important question. A societal question. Because answers don't come from podcast guests."

"I'm just saying, drugs aren't always the answer." Fair enough.

I just want my sons to seek answers in literature. Science. In research studies. I want them to be their own critical thinkers. To reason for themselves. Not to just rationalize via download.

I don't know. Maybe you can't always fix things with pharma. But maybe you can't always help people with therapy. And maybe Cannabis isn't just medicinal.

But I do know this. You can't learn everything from a podcast.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Building a beautiful city




Out of the ruins and rubble
Out of the smoke
Out of our night of struggle
Can we see
a ray of hope
We can build 
A beautiful city
Yes we can 

Here I am, in Dayton, Ohio. One of my neighbors is a Baptist Church. The other is an elderly woman with a boat, a moldy motorhome, and a rusted, broken tractor and plow in her backyard. Across the street, there's a working farm.

This place is so alien, so far from where I've been over the past few years. Perhaps it's appropriate that there are actual aliens at the air force base just a few miles away.

It's a world away from the sun-streaked turquoise waters and blistering beaches of South Florida, where I used to walk in the baking sand, looking for seashells and hoping that I wouldn't get too sunburned. Where I rode my bicycle, alone, past the Dali Museum and the art deco hotels; pedaling past the volleyball games just beyond the Royal Palms that lined the beach.

Though I still have a few worrying freckles from the Florida sun, I wouldn't trade anything for my time spent there as a castaway. For that's how I felt. For a while, anyway.

In my castaway days, I loved the thunderstorms. They'd arrive in the afternoons as if they were a hurried response to urgent, sunburnt prayers. With blue-black skies and jagged lightning, they'd show up just before everything caught fire from the blazing tropical sun. Sometimes, I'd run across the street to the cafes, stand under the awnings, and listen to my playlist. Alone. And every song on it will forever smell like sunscreen and cocoanuts.

Dayton is also blessedly far from Chicago - a skyline of chaos embraced. Of protests, politics, and parking tickets. Where diversity is the adrenalin that fuels its hipsters and tourists like Adderall-laced energy drinks. It teeters forever on the edge of eruption; a high for the young, the brave, the cool - the ones who would gladly have three roommates just to be a part of its mesmerizing craziness and maybe take an Uber to Wrigley field once in a while.

Each place I've been, it's been so different. From watching the sun dip below the waves in the Gulf of Mexico every night to seeing it emerge from beneath the aquamarine edge of Lake Michigan every morning.

And just before Dayton, I'd lived as a castaway too, alone among 144 acres of cornstalks and soybeans. Near the river and the squirrels. I never tired of the whistle of the South Shore train as it raced past, carrying tourists to the station near The Stray Dog. It reminded me of my dad.

"You're moving where?"

My friends and colleagues were surprised. "Seriously?"

They'd wonder why I'd trade the ranch for Dayton. Just like they wondered why I'd moved from my condo high above the museum - overlooking the lake. Like they wondered why I'd ever left my castaway cabin just a few hundred feet from the beach. From my beloved thunderstorms.

I could never really explain why, though. Not in a way that they'd understand.

Because what I learned is that special places aren't special at all - without people you love. And each place, each city, eventually whispered that to me.

That you can be a castaway, even on the most beautiful beach, That, even in the tallest tower, you can't see far enough. That no matter how much corn grows around you, there is hunger.

Without a daughter's smile, a son's laugh - without family - there is no home. The scenery is only special to tourists. Beauty is built.

Maybe the lady next door will sell me her rusty tractor.

Citations:
Beautiful City - Godspell 2011 Revival
2011 Broadway 
Arranger: Mac Huff | Composer: Stephen Schwartz | Musical: Godspell

Superman, Good Friday, and New Beginnings

 A few years ago, on the morning of Good Friday, I texted my siblings to remind them of their afternoon responsibilities. "It's Goo...